6. Alcoholism
It was called The Hilltop Tavern.
I was 15 years old, and had gone there with a group of teenagers that age and older. We were all squeezed into a red leather booth, laughing and ordering drinks. We knew that we would not be questioned about our ages there, because it was a well-known place among young people for that reason. It was my first time in the dim smoke-filled place, and I remember feeling uncomfortable, but not wanting the others to know that. I ordered a mixed drink as my friends did, and since it tasted so good, I gulped it down quickly. Another round of drinks? Well, sure! I went along with the crowd. After finishing the second drink, my head suddenly felt too heavy. I wasn’t talking the way I usually did. I laughed too loud, and talked too slow. My eyes didn’t want to stay open. I didn’t like the way I felt.
I hadn’t let my parents know where I was going after the movie, and I got in trouble the following day for getting home too late. That morning my head felt heavier than ever, and I was quite nauseous. I felt disappointed in myself, besides feeling embarrassed about how I must have appeared. As the day went on, I quietly reflected on the night before. This will ruin my plans, I thought. I can’t do that if I want my plan to work.
My plan had formed while I was preparing for Confirmation at age 12. While attending a 3-day retreat in preparation for the Sacrament, we were taught about the Holy Spirit and our responsibilities as adult Catholics. Becoming Christian soldiers in the Army of Christ, we would get our courage from the Holy Spirit. We sang, many times, during the 3 days, “Come, Holy Ghost.”
“Come, Holy Ghost, Creator blest, and in our hearts take up thy rest; Come with thy grace and heav’nly aid to fill the hearts which thou has made….”
That was the song we sang on Confirmation Day, when I seriously began to think of how I could serve God in the future. My dream became the desire to have 10 children to be Christian soldiers themselves, when they grew up and went out into the world. I knew I would need a good strong man for a husband, a good provider, and one who would not get drunk. He would have to be loving and willing to share my dream; anxious to share it. I began praying for that future.
So what was I doing out drinking? How had I forgotten my dreams just to have some fun with the other kids? I reflected, a lot, about the night before. Then, at age 15, I made a vow that I would never get drunk. I promised God that I was so serious about someday getting married and raising children for His glory, that I knew I could not go to The Hilltop Tavern any more.
I had been surrounded by alcoholism, which kept me near that particular valley. I didn’t want to go into that valley. I knew, from experience, of its heartbreak and destruction. I had witnessed its devastation and shattering of individual lives as well as relationships. I was learning, at 15, the consequences of wrong choices. I was actually learning what it meant to let go and let God. I learned to be appreciative of the presence of God. It was when I began developing ways to focus more on the goodness of God. Making decisions to not join my friends wasn’t easy through the years, as I turned down invitations to many different Hilltop Taverns, but God helped me not to go there. I’m familiar with the terror and anguish in that valley of alcoholism. I know of the broken promises and discouragement of that valley. I know of the pain and sorrow suffered by those caught in that valley, sometimes used as self-medication. I know of the anguish and sadness coming from that valley. I know that many beautiful people are often disguised by the affliction of alcoholism, but I also know some who have seemed hopelessly afflicted, who were able to climb out of this dark and confusing valley, never to return to it.
I am humbled and grateful that, with the help of God, I have been able to, personally, not walk in that valley. I can’t explain it or feel victorious about it. I don’t take any credit for abstaining from drunkenness. I thank God I can stop after one or two drinks on the rare occasions when I do drink alcohol. It’s only by the grace of God that I’ve been able to refrain. I’m just prayerfully thankful.